Attack of the Boob!!!!!!!!!!!

I realize that I work in an environment that is more free than most environments. HOWEVER, I do not want to see body parts of people I do not know and do not plan to know. Here is what happened just now. I am still traumatized and may never sleep again!!!

A woman comes in the ask some questions about the business, and then wants a tour. Lets digress, she seems somewhat out of it and seems to be a bit confused. I am not one to judge BUT I am not pleased with what I see. As I promote our business, I am thinking to myself, oh goodness I see her shirt is more unbuttoned than I would like! I think to myself, 'who at that age unbuttons their shirt that much???.' I am slightly taken aback, but go with it as its her world and I just live in it.

She and I tour, and as we tour I notice that her buttons have come undone even more and I am seeing that she is not wearing a bra, because I can clearly see her boob!!!!!! I am flustered and not sure what to say. I pretend I do not notice, but I mean HOW COULD I NOT HAVE! She realizes that I am clearly in panic mode and looks down. She says 'whoops my buttons just wont stay done.'

WHAT?!?! I walk with her back to the lobby and we exchange pleasantries and she leaves. I then literally loose it. I cannot believe that I just saw a 60+ year old BOOB!

The boob might be worse than the salimnader I found once. At least I could muscle him out of the building.

Death by Treadmil

I run, I live, I run....

This morning, due to the weather I had to run on a treadmill, in the gym. This is not my normal routine as I get very bored, very quick due to the lack of things to look at and divert my attention. But being the dedicated runner, aka Flo, that I am, I went to the gym to continue in the training.

I was in full speed and became thirsty, now I cannot multitask when running and therefore needed to slow down. I did so, sipped my water and attempted to begin back on my running pace. Somehow I missed a step and fell to my knee! My life flashed before my eyes, I thought about who was in the room and could save me once I was sucked under the treadmill and whipped around and around while the belt feverishly continued on the runners pace. I heard someone gasp with horror as I took the plunge and was pushed back by the high speed belt! All of a sudden I was on my side wondering if anyone saw me. I hoped that a hole would swallow me up and whisk me away, or better yet, a time machine would transport me back 13 seconds I could do it all over again. I would have never stopped for water, I would have just kept going like Flo did!

People saw. I have treadmill knee burn. Running is indeed a dangerous sport. But like Flo I kept on going. True Story.

Maybe its me...

But here is what I don't get, we all have to work, and none of us actually want to. I get that.

What I don't get is that since we all have to face this dooming reality, why wouldn't we want to DO everything in our power to work as much as possible now so we can do as little as possible later?! I mean lets get serious people. Your winning smile isn't paying the rent.

So lets review, if it snows 1 inch, you have to come to work. If it rains, you have to come to work. If it is sunny, you have to come to work. Who calls out because of weather. We do not live in a part of the country that has tornados or earthquakes (thank goodness) and we should be able to handle the change in weather and all that it brings!

I suppose that maybe I might have a false sense of reality and have more of a work ethic than most and this is why I get so annoyed. Plus I am the only who has to then figure out how to resolve the issues that will arise once you are not here.

So do me a favor, do not apply if you cannot handle the weather!

dont tell me

I have been doing what I do for a long time. And I know I do not know everything, but I know a lot. This is what gets me through the day without murdering people and wanting to strangle them!

Needless to say, when someone fresh off the block trys to run their mouth and tell me I do not know what I am talking about, it pisses me off.

I do not care how you run your business, I follow the polices and play by most of the rules, which in turn keeps me:

1. Ahead of the game
2. Out of trouble
3. Better than you

Why? Because you all drop like flies and I am still here. I have figured out the perfect balance to make everyone happy, some of the time and that is A-Okay with me!

So do me a favor, don't steal clients because you can not get them yourself. Its tacky. And that gets you no where in life.

Just so you know.....

once a complainer - always a complainer

Dear Person of Interest;

If you choose to complain about everything, then no one will take you seriously. Its hot outside, hence our air conditioning being on. If you are cold in A/C bring a sweater. We cannot make everyone happy regarding the air output within our building and I am comfortable knowing that the general consensus is perfectly comfortable. I will not sweat out everyone else for just you.

So seriously, do me and more importantly yourself, a favor and bring a long sleeved top. This will eliminate your current issue.

I anticipate having another issue from you shortly. As you are just that kinda person. It must be exhausting!

Regards;
The Air Con Police!

Call me Flo

I touched on the running... and lets really discuss what I am going for here... I am eagerly anticipating the day you can call me Flo Joyner. Circa 1988 she was winning Gold medals, I was making mud pies. She was the fastest woman in the world, I was reading out loud to my fellow students in my 3rd grade class. She created the 'one-legger' running outfit, I wore my hair in a side pony tail. You can obviously see what we had in common!

At the Olympics, she painted three of her fingernails red, white and blue, and she painted a fourth gold to signify her goal of winning a gold medal. I too shall paint my nails and run like the wind to the finish line of the half marathon in Vegas. I can smell the sweet scent of the finish line and can tell you that the 'one legger' I wear will be outstanding!

Stay tuned...

The running saga...

I have decided to run a half marathon. I was not a runner before, but I mean, why not go for the gusto!

We will be adding a half mile each week to prepare for the 13 that await us in.............. LAS VEGAS!

Now you see why I want to run. Why I NEED to run. Vegas is calling....

Week 1 had a lot of bumps in the road. I needed to purchase new sneakers and verbally attacked everyone and anything in my way. It was not a happy week. I was sore, I was tired. I even worked out with my trainer on the same day I would run.

Well, those days are over. I almost died on the treadmill last week, and have since decided to separate training sessions and running. It is for my own safety and the safety of my trainer. As I almost beat her to death. Not that it was her fault, although I will place the blame... I couldn't catch my breath and then went into panic mode and seriously almost cried in the gym. Like in front of people. I held back but it was rough!!!!

Week 2, 2 miles. argh. Still tired. But accomplished a lot!I ran 1.5 miles consistently without stopping to walk. This is big strides... Soon you will be calling me Flo.

Now, week 3 has begun!

The scene: 6am. I am tried and I just woke up. I am getting dressed for my morning run of 3 miles and I am wishing that I could go back to sleep. I know that I must get this over with as the later the day gets I will make an excuse, maybe. I really want to kick my husband as he lies soundly in the bed, snoring. Not because he did anything, but just because he is still sleeping. I refrain from doing so, as I would not appreciate waking up to a kick. He is lucky, today!

I meet my running partner at the park. I have mapped out 3 miles and the only exciting thing is that it is a new route. There are actually more people at the park at this awful hour than at 8am when we go. I notice that people are actually friendly at the park at 7am. They smile, they say hello. It is not what I am used to. Living in Northern NJ, we generally do not speak to one another unless we are starting an argument, or have just gotten into a fender bender. So this is all foreign and somewhat alien like to me. But in my attempt to be one with the other runners, I go with it and 'smile and say hello with friendliness' which is what my job has taught me to do as one of our service essentials!

We walk to warm up and then the run begins...... 2 miles into it, I want to lay down and cry. I think to myself:

How am I going to do 13 of these things?
How does my cousin run 100 miles? She is obviously crazy... I must finish. And I did. I finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, 2 hours later, my legs are tired. All I can think of is, I finished and I do not have to think about running for another 24 hours! Rest time...

How do I rate.

Tomorrow I start an epic journey. I will go places that I have never been. See things I thought I would never see. All the while in... sneakers. I am going to run. Outside. Inside. On a very regular basis. I am committed to running 4-5 days a week. I am committed to running a half marathon. Makes sense right? I was barely able to complete the one mile run in 8th grade, why not run 13 miles next time I decide to do something athletic.

I mean, when not in shape, take the bulls by the horn and make him your b***h. I am going to run, I am going to run so much that I can justifiably get the sneakers that count your steps and coordinate with a watch... I will be wearing t-shirts with various 'races' on. I will be supporting a cause just to say I finished something. Why not. I have never done anything so athletic in my life and I am pretty sure that I am more excited about working out and running than I have been about anything in my life. By anything I mean exercise. I have been very excited about shoes, cocktails, vacations, a good eyebrow shape, etc.

Exercise has been my forgotten, long lost sister. I didn't know her. I didn't know who she was or where she lived... I didn't know where to send my holiday cards but I also never received them. We have been reunited and as I get to know her, I will keep our progress as a team visible so that I can see where I have come from and where I am headed. For me. As I am sure no one else gives a sh*t.

You are being watched!!!!!!!!!!!

An unnamed source recently told me that she was being watched at work.

What does this really mean?
Is her boss in love with her? Does her boss want to know her every move because her boss has nothing to do? Do 'they' enjoy the way her hair flows when she walks? I mean, come on people. What do you hope to gain from, "you are being watched". If that was me, (and it isn't because I would name myself) I would purposely do things to get into trouble. Just to see how closely they were watching. Such as, but not limited to, while in the ladies lavatory, I would facebook and twitter about nonsense as I stood near the hand dryer. I would park my car and walk AS slow as possible to see if anyone noticed. I would engage in conversations with myself to see if I would be questioned.

I will keep you updated on the saga this is "The Watched One".

Car Service Dude

Yesterday I took my car in for service. I had 3 recalls and was not about to let my car run away with me in, as some other brands have done recently. I took precaution and quickly got my car looked at.

I knew that I would be sitting for a while and chose to bring my breakfast, a book and some other essential items to occupy my time while I sat. Unfortunately for me I used none of them, because Maury was on and I needed to know if 'he was the father.' Because I had packed for the unknown, I had brought my new favorite bag, the teal colored Big Buddha... This bag screams, fun, summer, hip and although its color does not go with every outfit, I love it even more! Besides the new Valentino I bought myself this is the one of the loves of my life...

Anyhow, I have the purse on the counter, and as I shuffle through it to look for the recall letters the gentleman behind the counter, says "cute bag."

I continue to shuffle and pretend to not realize that he is working at the counter of the car service department. He is surrounded by men who are covered in oil. Men who have full body tattoo's.

Apparently this statement is not heard by any other person than myself. And that is too bad as I laughed about it for at least 4 hours.

I do enjoy being cut off while speaking, can't you tell?

Dear person who cut me off while I was speaking;

By the look on my face and the change in tone of my voice I am quite sure that you realize cutting me off while in mid-sentence is RUDE. I'm unsure of the need to do such a thing to another person, and to be completely honest I am convinced you are a jerk.

The point of a conversation is for more than 1 individual to speak. Clearly you have yet to master this concept yet and I was lucky enough to experience this.

Please go away and never return. I have no desire to see you again.

Cheers!

ummmmm. duh?

Person walking in the door: Is this #140 Drive Turnpike?
Me: No its #26. whats the name of the business you are are looking for?
Person: I do not know.
Me: Well that might help you find your location, no?
person: I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~
Are you kidding me? Will the insanity every end? Let's review:

You are looking for a business of some sort. Apparently you know enough about this business to have its address. How did you get the address if you do not know the name of the business? Did you not have to have the name of the business to LOOK UP THE ADDRESS?

This is what is wrong with the world. Dumb people, everywhere.

Make a FRIGGIN decision

Dear Guest;

This is not a used car dealership. In fact, its something quite amazingly wonderful and good for you. I am unclear why you need to think so much about this and why you need to have a group discussion. Its a simple choice. Take time for yourself or don't. There are some choices that we make in life that seem much harder, I shall give examples:

1. Move across the country for a job.
2. Coke or Pepsi
3. What color car to buy
4. What nail polish color to do this week

Taking time for yourself is not a hard decsion. In fact, the world would be a much happier friggin place if you just said YES. Fact.

Lets recap, I have found a way that you can take a mini-vacation at least once a month, where you can turn OFF your cellular device. Where you are are forced to tell someone else to take care of you. Where you get YOU time.

What's the issue? I don't get it.

Fact.

Dear People with Children;

This is a relaxing environment. And while kids are so cute, fun to dress up, say the darnedest things, have amazing smiles, touch everything with their sticky hands, yell for no apparent reason, lick things, move furniture that doesn't belong to them, and touch every possible glass surface with the sticky fingers... this environment is not the best for them. We are a relaxing environment. And while I cannot imagine what it is like to have 3 of these precious bundles of joy.... maybe you need to hire someone to watch them so you do not have to bring them everywhere you go and drive yourself crazy. It really is no wonder why you so desperately need this relaxing environment.

Be selfish. Be selfish. Please. Your bundles of joy will appreciate you more. Fact.

And the guests that have taken themselves away from their joy will also appreciate the tranquility they so desperately seek.

I'm just sayin'

Taco Stand

My dream is to run a taco stand on the beach someplace. I will have cook, his name will be Jose De La Sexy Face. He will wear banana leafs to reel in the ladies on vacation and lure them into our web of tacos and guacamole. I will use fresh ingredients that we just caught and have grown ourselves.

I will drink fun cocktails with small umbrellas and wear SPF 90. I will nap on hammocks and feel the cool salty air on my face and smile, beacause this is my LIFE.

Why a taco stand? Well, I love a taco and I LOVE salsa and I really, really, really want to wear flip flops on a daily basis. More importantly I really want to make my own hours. Because who eats tacos at 9am? No one. This means I can sleep in until whenever and work the lunch crowd, as Jose De La Sexy Face reels in the women. I can do bartending tricks with clients lemonade. I've seen this in my dream and it just makes sense. This is what it is about.

There just has to be a better way. I can't believe that this is what its all about. After all, if a soul dies in a cubicle, does anyone really notice????

Almost bar fight. UK v. USA

FIFA has begun. UK v USA happened this past Saturday, knowing that we would be consuming alcohol we chose to take the train. Safe bet for us. On the train the inanity began. Beers were consumed. Trash was talked. Laughs were had. And ornery texts were sent and received. We got to the local bar and chose to continue down the path of beer. Knowing that I was going to be visiting my friend Spin soon, I felt that it was an acceptable way of passing the time.

While in the bar we were obviously surrounded by many others who were also drinking. I was rooting for the UK. (Lets not go there). Obviously I was the underdog in the bar.... Due to this I chose to not be too boisterous and "ornery" as an unnamed associate like to say. However, when one young (and clearly stupid) man chose to scream out ridiculous slurrs at the T.V. which obviously couldn't fight back, I got a bit worked up. I began talking loudy and potentially ready to talk throw down. Bottle in hand and ready to fling it when the guy the need arose. This unnamed associated realized that I was becoming 'ornery' and direct quote from unnamed associate "how I realized what was brewing and attached myself to your hip pocket! LOL". Fact.

No actual fight happened, and we moved on once the game was over, tie 1:1. Later in our travels this same young (and clearly stupid) man came up to us to say that he only became super extroverted and loud once he realized I was not rooting for the USA. REALLY!?!?!

Listen buddy, you were an idiot to begin with and I am indeed not impressed that you think that becoming more obnoxious is something that you need to do in order to gain attention. I think that you might need to reevluate your life skills and figure some s*** out.

Im just sayin.

Captain Jack

FIFA is upon us. I have been waiting for this for weeks.... Viva futbol. We have a mascot, his name is Jack. We have created a song:

Captain Jack will get you a goal tonight
And take you to your world cup
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push, and you'll be smilin'

GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Don't forget, futbol is the world's sport. Fact. Lets get into it.

Spin Spin Sugar

Spin. I miss you. We used to have a great relationship. Visits 3 to 4 times a week. But then we seperated. I met someone else. Vodka. He is good to me, and I really like him. He makes me feel so good while we are together. However, unlike you, after he and I split up for the night, I always feel blue the next day... You, SPIN, you make me feel good, all the time, except of course when we are actually together. And then I feel like my heart if going to pound out of my chest and I might actually die. But the after glow is FANTASTIC!!!!

I do feel that I am capable of having mulitple relationships at the same time. So, if it is okay with you, I would like to see you again? I am available Monday, and since it is my day off, we can spend an entire hour together. What do you say? I promise to spend at least 3 days a week with you again. Please take me back. PLEASE.

I love you. I do. You make me feel so good. Lets get back together.

The donation double charge

Dear place I chose to donate money to;

I donated out of the goodness of my heart. Partially to help you and your cause, as I believe in what you are doing and seriously want you to succeed.* However, when you double charge me, which causes me to fly off the handle into a tail spin as I am seriously over spent due to recent events that shall remain nameless. I need you to understand that I am unable to control the heart palpitation's and can potentially go into shock, which will cause me to have a heart attack, and die. This shock of course is increased when I call and request to have someone look into this for me and the individual says 'I do not have your name in our system'. This, my dear friends, is not the correct response to someone who has so nicely donated to you and now has been screwed by your double charge actions.....

After much angst I was credited, of course a billing cycle later. Since they obviously found me in the system, as I had in fact, been charged twice. Clearly, I had received the donation cards and a "Thank You" letter for my money. And now I find it appropriate that I should get a "sorry we screwed you up, royally" letter.... but here is hoping!


*Second reason for donation, that no one will admit to (except me), I do a lot of terrible things and say a lot of ornery things, I am hoping that maybe this will lessen the problems I will inevitably run into in the future....

Dear Morons

Dear Morons;
I am sick and tired of you. Fact. I am so very over listening to you silly stories and hearing the nonsense that you call life. In fact, I would prefer if you shut up entirely. Again, fact.

I think that maybe there was a disconnect when I stopped listening and you continued to talk. I did indicate by looking elsewhere and attempting to change the subject that I no longer wanted to be spoken to, by you.

Until we realize that there really is no true place for you in my life I am not sure what kind of understanding we will come to. Please respect my space, and go away.

Love and Kisses;
ME

Filing - figure it out....

Yes, this will be an entire post dedicated to filing. I do not f***ing understand what is so F***ING difficult about filing. Last name, first name. So for example:

Jones, Andrew would come BEFORE Jones, Michelle.

This is apparently a concept lost on many. And while I love that technology has given me so many reasons to be lazy with spell check, thesaurus and auto edit, I am still very capable of alphabetizing. I simply do not want to have more than 1 conversation about filing. I seem to talk about filing on a weekly basis and I AM TIRED OF IT.

Peoples issues with filing should not make me so mad that I need to write about it so quickly that my fingers are currently hurting from typing so fast. It is simply ludicrous.

The next time I need to write about this filing situation, someones head will roll!

Advice for wedding day. TS

Advice to a soon to be bride, by me.

Its not just you - so don't worry. Everyone feels this way.

You will be fine. Take a Valium, you will will not pass out from this, as you will be so full of adrenaline that you will be GOOD, smiling and not caring that your family won't shut the fuk up and normally you want to punch them.
Don't drink too much during the day, trust me that will only upset your stomach. Wait until after the pictures, as you can't be hammered in ALL photos...
When you are up there at the alter, you don't see anyone. Just look at your husband to be and realize that its not too late to run! No one cares if you don't look at them. That is the secret.

What you should focus on is what are you having for wedding day breakfast?!?! As you and the rest of us minions must eat. But not a lot, just enough to hold us over for like 12 hours, LOL!!!

I would also suggest that you eat at the dinner. You must try the food and after all you are paying for yourselves. This is my advice. I will be with you every step of the way (or at the bar, doing shots out of wine glasses).

So let me know what I can do. Other than dance the night away with all guests. After all, I am an entertainer at heart!

Lies Lies Lies

They all lie lie lie! See what the actual problem is, is that no one tells the full truth. Or rather, most tell their version of the truth which is still a lie. I shall give you are an example and then you will realize that these people are surrounding us. I, in fact, am one of them. Except I will say this is what actually happened, but this version is the much more amusing and funnier one. So that those who are listening know that the truth is there, I am just making it more commercial and entertaining for comic relief.

Its a simple, yet complicated fact that everyone lies. So lets discuss today's liar liar pants on fire.

Dear man who visited my place of business;

We are not that type of environment, we do not issue happy endings. And we did not tell you that over the phone. Contrary to popular belief a PROPER massage establishment does not allow you to "pick your girl" nor do we offer different "endings".

Please work your issues out elsewhere.

Regards;
Me.

Obsessive Complusive

Dog hair everywhere. In places it didnt know existed. I suggest buying stock in swiffer as I swiffer about 2 times a day. I cannot stand dog hair everywhere! Then the doggies eat twigs. Long twigs. They chew and chew and chew on the sticks and then clearly need to throw them up. All over my house. Stupid bloody twigs. Im going to shave my dogs. And then teach them how to swiffer.

True STORY!

Viva LAS VEGAS

Most of this story will not contain actual events, only false senses of reality and blurry and untrue pieces of memory.

Fact: Vegas was visited within the last month.
Blurry vision synopsis:
We arrived. Some conquered all that was in thier path. Remanents were left to prove such conquering actually happened. Gambling? No time. Too busy consuming massive amounts of expensive alcohol and watching the insantiy ensure before us. Shows? No way! When fun drinks and fabulous shoes are before you, you must embrace the free champagne that allows you to gawk at Steve Wynn and his very young pretty female counterpart. Funny costumes by staff at the Wynn? YES. Its apprent that his lack of sight has allowed him to create a marvelous and splendid hotel, all of which drained him of a sense of style for his staff. FACT.

Fact: Wynn pool was visitied
Pieces of memory:
Large beaded necklaces were very popular. Scant clothing optional. Drunken fools everywhere.

Fact: Club XS, Saturday night
Blurry memory:
No one fell in the pool, but many shots were taken and mostly out of a shot glass around someones neck. It lit up. Like flies the light...

Fact: Cathouse
False sense of reality:
great bathrooms. amazing shoes. bad cocktails.

English people love the sun. Not the humidity

True story... The English are coming, the English are coming! They have arrived and spoken. Sun it is. As I lay on a blanket in the grassy knoll, I watch the sun bunnies soak it in. As you might not know, it apprentley only ever rains in England and other than the dewy pure skin, it leaves much to be desired. All that rain does allow a few great things to come, one being fabulous and tasty beer.

So, what's my secret to success you ask? Sun bunny visits! Its been a long time coming and had I know I would have presented a reason much sooner.

There is a lot of chillaxing and many people in my humble abode, but its great times all the way...

Funny story number 1. Target. They do not have Target over the pond and it is the new favorite place to be. Caffine fix, check, cart full of running shorts, check, wandering aimlessly about the aisels, check. We have been every day and will be going to visit and keep my local Target in business this week. You are welcome. I accept coupons and free delish coffee...

Lets review:
England does not have the following: sunny days and Target
England DOES have tasteeee beer!

Waldwick police and fire sirens never stop

Every day at work I listen to the police and fire trucks sirens. This town has a population of just under 10,000. I do not believe that there are that many emergencies each and every day that require blaring sirens each and every time. It is just not possible! I live in a town with a very similar population and there is not this much action in my town. I would like to request that the sirens be kept at a bare minimum. It is ludacris to disrupt me on such a regular basis. Enough already!

=80-40+2-20

I must attract idiots. They surround me. I feel suffocated by them. I am very logical person. Granted I tend to fly off the handle at times, all in all I am logical.

A friend of mine is 'dating' someone 14 years younger than he is. Good for him? Maybe. She is an idiot, At least she has an excuse, she is 22. She doesn't know any better. At 22 I thought I knew everything, didn't we all? I will repeat, she is an idiot!

Because technology has changed the way we communicate with one another and those under the age of 26 seem to only be able to express themselves in a text or a bbm. They facebook about their actual true lives and wonder why those reading it are in complete dismay and worried about the future of our country...

Back to the idiot. The amount of text messages he gets from her is in the triple digits, daily. I cannot comprehend what someone needs to say all day long, every day. The messaging has become so obsessive that he barely answers the phone for anyone else.

I do not question why he puts up with this strange and compulsive behavior. I just do not want to hear about it. Every time we are all hanging out, his phone compulsively goes off.

I really do worry about the state of the world. I guess we all need idiots in our lives to make us realize how sane we are. Well, how sane we are most of the time.

Friend Imposter

I haven't written in ages, so I am sorry! I will make a concious effort to be more diligent about my ranting and raving on this website. Being that I have many things to say about many subjects, lets get started....

The "Friend Imposter"

Many claim to be a friend, but how can you tell the imposters apart from the true blues? I have just started to realize who is real and who is the imposter. The imposters are the ones who say, 'let me know if you need help' and then when you actually do, they are no where to be found. Or they are the ones who say, I don't really know whats going on in your life, because they never let you get a word in edgewise....

I have a shit ton of these people around me and I enjoy it. It gives me something to laugh about when I am feeling blue.

Recently I discovered that an imposter was not able to keep secrets. I had told her something in confidence and she immediately blurted it out. Now thank goodness this was work related and she convienantly didnt work in the same location as me, so it didnt affect me. However, she has been moved the D list. I will not speak to that imposter again!

Ive spent way too many words on this subject. On to the next!