ummmmm. duh?

Person walking in the door: Is this #140 Drive Turnpike?
Me: No its #26. whats the name of the business you are are looking for?
Person: I do not know.
Me: Well that might help you find your location, no?
person: I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~
Are you kidding me? Will the insanity every end? Let's review:

You are looking for a business of some sort. Apparently you know enough about this business to have its address. How did you get the address if you do not know the name of the business? Did you not have to have the name of the business to LOOK UP THE ADDRESS?

This is what is wrong with the world. Dumb people, everywhere.

Make a FRIGGIN decision

Dear Guest;

This is not a used car dealership. In fact, its something quite amazingly wonderful and good for you. I am unclear why you need to think so much about this and why you need to have a group discussion. Its a simple choice. Take time for yourself or don't. There are some choices that we make in life that seem much harder, I shall give examples:

1. Move across the country for a job.
2. Coke or Pepsi
3. What color car to buy
4. What nail polish color to do this week

Taking time for yourself is not a hard decsion. In fact, the world would be a much happier friggin place if you just said YES. Fact.

Lets recap, I have found a way that you can take a mini-vacation at least once a month, where you can turn OFF your cellular device. Where you are are forced to tell someone else to take care of you. Where you get YOU time.

What's the issue? I don't get it.

Fact.

Dear People with Children;

This is a relaxing environment. And while kids are so cute, fun to dress up, say the darnedest things, have amazing smiles, touch everything with their sticky hands, yell for no apparent reason, lick things, move furniture that doesn't belong to them, and touch every possible glass surface with the sticky fingers... this environment is not the best for them. We are a relaxing environment. And while I cannot imagine what it is like to have 3 of these precious bundles of joy.... maybe you need to hire someone to watch them so you do not have to bring them everywhere you go and drive yourself crazy. It really is no wonder why you so desperately need this relaxing environment.

Be selfish. Be selfish. Please. Your bundles of joy will appreciate you more. Fact.

And the guests that have taken themselves away from their joy will also appreciate the tranquility they so desperately seek.

I'm just sayin'

Taco Stand

My dream is to run a taco stand on the beach someplace. I will have cook, his name will be Jose De La Sexy Face. He will wear banana leafs to reel in the ladies on vacation and lure them into our web of tacos and guacamole. I will use fresh ingredients that we just caught and have grown ourselves.

I will drink fun cocktails with small umbrellas and wear SPF 90. I will nap on hammocks and feel the cool salty air on my face and smile, beacause this is my LIFE.

Why a taco stand? Well, I love a taco and I LOVE salsa and I really, really, really want to wear flip flops on a daily basis. More importantly I really want to make my own hours. Because who eats tacos at 9am? No one. This means I can sleep in until whenever and work the lunch crowd, as Jose De La Sexy Face reels in the women. I can do bartending tricks with clients lemonade. I've seen this in my dream and it just makes sense. This is what it is about.

There just has to be a better way. I can't believe that this is what its all about. After all, if a soul dies in a cubicle, does anyone really notice????

Almost bar fight. UK v. USA

FIFA has begun. UK v USA happened this past Saturday, knowing that we would be consuming alcohol we chose to take the train. Safe bet for us. On the train the inanity began. Beers were consumed. Trash was talked. Laughs were had. And ornery texts were sent and received. We got to the local bar and chose to continue down the path of beer. Knowing that I was going to be visiting my friend Spin soon, I felt that it was an acceptable way of passing the time.

While in the bar we were obviously surrounded by many others who were also drinking. I was rooting for the UK. (Lets not go there). Obviously I was the underdog in the bar.... Due to this I chose to not be too boisterous and "ornery" as an unnamed associate like to say. However, when one young (and clearly stupid) man chose to scream out ridiculous slurrs at the T.V. which obviously couldn't fight back, I got a bit worked up. I began talking loudy and potentially ready to talk throw down. Bottle in hand and ready to fling it when the guy the need arose. This unnamed associated realized that I was becoming 'ornery' and direct quote from unnamed associate "how I realized what was brewing and attached myself to your hip pocket! LOL". Fact.

No actual fight happened, and we moved on once the game was over, tie 1:1. Later in our travels this same young (and clearly stupid) man came up to us to say that he only became super extroverted and loud once he realized I was not rooting for the USA. REALLY!?!?!

Listen buddy, you were an idiot to begin with and I am indeed not impressed that you think that becoming more obnoxious is something that you need to do in order to gain attention. I think that you might need to reevluate your life skills and figure some s*** out.

Im just sayin.

Captain Jack

FIFA is upon us. I have been waiting for this for weeks.... Viva futbol. We have a mascot, his name is Jack. We have created a song:

Captain Jack will get you a goal tonight
And take you to your world cup
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push, and you'll be smilin'

GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Don't forget, futbol is the world's sport. Fact. Lets get into it.

Spin Spin Sugar

Spin. I miss you. We used to have a great relationship. Visits 3 to 4 times a week. But then we seperated. I met someone else. Vodka. He is good to me, and I really like him. He makes me feel so good while we are together. However, unlike you, after he and I split up for the night, I always feel blue the next day... You, SPIN, you make me feel good, all the time, except of course when we are actually together. And then I feel like my heart if going to pound out of my chest and I might actually die. But the after glow is FANTASTIC!!!!

I do feel that I am capable of having mulitple relationships at the same time. So, if it is okay with you, I would like to see you again? I am available Monday, and since it is my day off, we can spend an entire hour together. What do you say? I promise to spend at least 3 days a week with you again. Please take me back. PLEASE.

I love you. I do. You make me feel so good. Lets get back together.

The donation double charge

Dear place I chose to donate money to;

I donated out of the goodness of my heart. Partially to help you and your cause, as I believe in what you are doing and seriously want you to succeed.* However, when you double charge me, which causes me to fly off the handle into a tail spin as I am seriously over spent due to recent events that shall remain nameless. I need you to understand that I am unable to control the heart palpitation's and can potentially go into shock, which will cause me to have a heart attack, and die. This shock of course is increased when I call and request to have someone look into this for me and the individual says 'I do not have your name in our system'. This, my dear friends, is not the correct response to someone who has so nicely donated to you and now has been screwed by your double charge actions.....

After much angst I was credited, of course a billing cycle later. Since they obviously found me in the system, as I had in fact, been charged twice. Clearly, I had received the donation cards and a "Thank You" letter for my money. And now I find it appropriate that I should get a "sorry we screwed you up, royally" letter.... but here is hoping!


*Second reason for donation, that no one will admit to (except me), I do a lot of terrible things and say a lot of ornery things, I am hoping that maybe this will lessen the problems I will inevitably run into in the future....

Dear Morons

Dear Morons;
I am sick and tired of you. Fact. I am so very over listening to you silly stories and hearing the nonsense that you call life. In fact, I would prefer if you shut up entirely. Again, fact.

I think that maybe there was a disconnect when I stopped listening and you continued to talk. I did indicate by looking elsewhere and attempting to change the subject that I no longer wanted to be spoken to, by you.

Until we realize that there really is no true place for you in my life I am not sure what kind of understanding we will come to. Please respect my space, and go away.

Love and Kisses;
ME

Filing - figure it out....

Yes, this will be an entire post dedicated to filing. I do not f***ing understand what is so F***ING difficult about filing. Last name, first name. So for example:

Jones, Andrew would come BEFORE Jones, Michelle.

This is apparently a concept lost on many. And while I love that technology has given me so many reasons to be lazy with spell check, thesaurus and auto edit, I am still very capable of alphabetizing. I simply do not want to have more than 1 conversation about filing. I seem to talk about filing on a weekly basis and I AM TIRED OF IT.

Peoples issues with filing should not make me so mad that I need to write about it so quickly that my fingers are currently hurting from typing so fast. It is simply ludicrous.

The next time I need to write about this filing situation, someones head will roll!

Advice for wedding day. TS

Advice to a soon to be bride, by me.

Its not just you - so don't worry. Everyone feels this way.

You will be fine. Take a Valium, you will will not pass out from this, as you will be so full of adrenaline that you will be GOOD, smiling and not caring that your family won't shut the fuk up and normally you want to punch them.
Don't drink too much during the day, trust me that will only upset your stomach. Wait until after the pictures, as you can't be hammered in ALL photos...
When you are up there at the alter, you don't see anyone. Just look at your husband to be and realize that its not too late to run! No one cares if you don't look at them. That is the secret.

What you should focus on is what are you having for wedding day breakfast?!?! As you and the rest of us minions must eat. But not a lot, just enough to hold us over for like 12 hours, LOL!!!

I would also suggest that you eat at the dinner. You must try the food and after all you are paying for yourselves. This is my advice. I will be with you every step of the way (or at the bar, doing shots out of wine glasses).

So let me know what I can do. Other than dance the night away with all guests. After all, I am an entertainer at heart!

Lies Lies Lies

They all lie lie lie! See what the actual problem is, is that no one tells the full truth. Or rather, most tell their version of the truth which is still a lie. I shall give you are an example and then you will realize that these people are surrounding us. I, in fact, am one of them. Except I will say this is what actually happened, but this version is the much more amusing and funnier one. So that those who are listening know that the truth is there, I am just making it more commercial and entertaining for comic relief.

Its a simple, yet complicated fact that everyone lies. So lets discuss today's liar liar pants on fire.

Dear man who visited my place of business;

We are not that type of environment, we do not issue happy endings. And we did not tell you that over the phone. Contrary to popular belief a PROPER massage establishment does not allow you to "pick your girl" nor do we offer different "endings".

Please work your issues out elsewhere.

Regards;
Me.

Obsessive Complusive

Dog hair everywhere. In places it didnt know existed. I suggest buying stock in swiffer as I swiffer about 2 times a day. I cannot stand dog hair everywhere! Then the doggies eat twigs. Long twigs. They chew and chew and chew on the sticks and then clearly need to throw them up. All over my house. Stupid bloody twigs. Im going to shave my dogs. And then teach them how to swiffer.

True STORY!

Viva LAS VEGAS

Most of this story will not contain actual events, only false senses of reality and blurry and untrue pieces of memory.

Fact: Vegas was visited within the last month.
Blurry vision synopsis:
We arrived. Some conquered all that was in thier path. Remanents were left to prove such conquering actually happened. Gambling? No time. Too busy consuming massive amounts of expensive alcohol and watching the insantiy ensure before us. Shows? No way! When fun drinks and fabulous shoes are before you, you must embrace the free champagne that allows you to gawk at Steve Wynn and his very young pretty female counterpart. Funny costumes by staff at the Wynn? YES. Its apprent that his lack of sight has allowed him to create a marvelous and splendid hotel, all of which drained him of a sense of style for his staff. FACT.

Fact: Wynn pool was visitied
Pieces of memory:
Large beaded necklaces were very popular. Scant clothing optional. Drunken fools everywhere.

Fact: Club XS, Saturday night
Blurry memory:
No one fell in the pool, but many shots were taken and mostly out of a shot glass around someones neck. It lit up. Like flies the light...

Fact: Cathouse
False sense of reality:
great bathrooms. amazing shoes. bad cocktails.

English people love the sun. Not the humidity

True story... The English are coming, the English are coming! They have arrived and spoken. Sun it is. As I lay on a blanket in the grassy knoll, I watch the sun bunnies soak it in. As you might not know, it apprentley only ever rains in England and other than the dewy pure skin, it leaves much to be desired. All that rain does allow a few great things to come, one being fabulous and tasty beer.

So, what's my secret to success you ask? Sun bunny visits! Its been a long time coming and had I know I would have presented a reason much sooner.

There is a lot of chillaxing and many people in my humble abode, but its great times all the way...

Funny story number 1. Target. They do not have Target over the pond and it is the new favorite place to be. Caffine fix, check, cart full of running shorts, check, wandering aimlessly about the aisels, check. We have been every day and will be going to visit and keep my local Target in business this week. You are welcome. I accept coupons and free delish coffee...

Lets review:
England does not have the following: sunny days and Target
England DOES have tasteeee beer!

Waldwick police and fire sirens never stop

Every day at work I listen to the police and fire trucks sirens. This town has a population of just under 10,000. I do not believe that there are that many emergencies each and every day that require blaring sirens each and every time. It is just not possible! I live in a town with a very similar population and there is not this much action in my town. I would like to request that the sirens be kept at a bare minimum. It is ludacris to disrupt me on such a regular basis. Enough already!

=80-40+2-20

I must attract idiots. They surround me. I feel suffocated by them. I am very logical person. Granted I tend to fly off the handle at times, all in all I am logical.

A friend of mine is 'dating' someone 14 years younger than he is. Good for him? Maybe. She is an idiot, At least she has an excuse, she is 22. She doesn't know any better. At 22 I thought I knew everything, didn't we all? I will repeat, she is an idiot!

Because technology has changed the way we communicate with one another and those under the age of 26 seem to only be able to express themselves in a text or a bbm. They facebook about their actual true lives and wonder why those reading it are in complete dismay and worried about the future of our country...

Back to the idiot. The amount of text messages he gets from her is in the triple digits, daily. I cannot comprehend what someone needs to say all day long, every day. The messaging has become so obsessive that he barely answers the phone for anyone else.

I do not question why he puts up with this strange and compulsive behavior. I just do not want to hear about it. Every time we are all hanging out, his phone compulsively goes off.

I really do worry about the state of the world. I guess we all need idiots in our lives to make us realize how sane we are. Well, how sane we are most of the time.

Friend Imposter

I haven't written in ages, so I am sorry! I will make a concious effort to be more diligent about my ranting and raving on this website. Being that I have many things to say about many subjects, lets get started....

The "Friend Imposter"

Many claim to be a friend, but how can you tell the imposters apart from the true blues? I have just started to realize who is real and who is the imposter. The imposters are the ones who say, 'let me know if you need help' and then when you actually do, they are no where to be found. Or they are the ones who say, I don't really know whats going on in your life, because they never let you get a word in edgewise....

I have a shit ton of these people around me and I enjoy it. It gives me something to laugh about when I am feeling blue.

Recently I discovered that an imposter was not able to keep secrets. I had told her something in confidence and she immediately blurted it out. Now thank goodness this was work related and she convienantly didnt work in the same location as me, so it didnt affect me. However, she has been moved the D list. I will not speak to that imposter again!

Ive spent way too many words on this subject. On to the next!